Okay, so I might be a little better tonight, but I am determined to rid myself of my bad mood. All day I have been fighting back a complete breakdown again... and it's only because people are trying to be too nice to me and trying to make me feel better. once again my mom tried to throw food options in my face to make me happy. That doesn't work for me. When I finally asked if there was any ice cream left, she said no and told me she would take me out to get some. I changed my mind and didn't want to go out, then she called me a martyr. I'm not really sure that made sense, but I took it as a very offensive statement. I'm not in this bad mood on purpose... I'm trying to get rid of it!
For the most part, I have the reasons for my mood: the fact I'm stuck here, all the reasons that are keeping me from making firm decisions, the stupid travel guides that I am writing (they depress me b/c I'll never get to see the cities I'm writing about), and a playlist called "inspiration." Now, this playlist was originally constructed in order to keep me motivated to get to New York, no matter what. Now when I play it tears fall from my eyes without any warning. What am I doing to myself??? I think I'm might need to rework the playlist so that it is a little more motivating rather than depressing. (When I hear Sinatra's "Young At Heart" I ball like a baby and don't know why)
There are some other reasons, but they are woven so deeply in my psyche that it wouldn't be responsible to make them public in any way.