Monday, May 10, 2010

Serenity... Now!

Today is a new day. I must remember that. I've been living with a good amount of anxiety since the middle of last week. My main source of income has a small possibility of drying up soon, and I may again have to look for a new project to work on. I should be used to this by now—I've dedicated myself to freelancing, after all.

To combat the anxiety, I have tried to make the office as comfortable as possible for me. I use a lamp with soft light, I light a scented candle, and I keep positive quotes all around me. But when a writing hiccup comes, I think “Why did I spend so much money on that lamp?” “Is the candle going to burn my house down?” and “Why should I read quotes from successful people. I want to hear what the failures said.”

Needless to say, I haven't been able to calm myself down. On top of all of this work stress, just before I found out that work may slow down, I had decided to move again. The next move is the last one, so I was really excited about it. Until I realized I'm destined to be poor. Now all my plans for going to yard sales for furniture are out the window because I have no place to store it. Even though the place I'm looking at is a great location and includes some utilities, it's small for the price. And right now, I'm just missing the feeling of having any sense of control in my life. I can't decorate the way I want because I have very little space and most of my belongings are where I've kept them for the better part of the last seven years—in a box, in storage. I'm grateful for my parents because they store all of it for free, but it's really time to get moving on and have it back.

I'm afraid that I will make the same mistakes as last time. I'll get so desperate to leave that I won't be prepared. This time I have a lot more in savings, but that doesn't matter when you have a month or more of unemployment before the next job comes along. It all finds a way of disappearing into incidental expenses. I just want to run away, but where to? My problems will always follow. So I will continue to write, continue to work on my career, and hopefully find a way to relieve some of this stress. Not going to lie—a man would be nice. ;)

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