I now know what has been bothering this last month. On the surface, it looked like it was just a bunch of problems at work that built up to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. Now I realize that it goes much deeper than that. I don't really know what I want anymore. I thought freelancing would be a great, flexible job that I could do for money until all of my creative endeavors panned out. But there's a key word I was missing in that thought: job. A job is not a career by any means, and a career is what I want. I just don't know how to get there. I have so many interests, but not enough education or talent for any of them. And I'm tired of just accepting jobs to get money.
This morning was a real wake up call for that. I got an email saying a job had paid me. Most of the jobs I work have a 30 day wait for payment. I looked at it and realized I had just waited 30 days to get paid $1. A single dollar, not worth anything on its own. And while I know that this job was just for a little extra cash, it still seems like a slap in the face. I have a college degree and I'm willing to work for a dollar? It's like I can't see myself having any more talent or success than that. Maybe with my bad attitude and social ineptitude, I don't really deserve anything better than that.
As a distraction, I wrote another page for Script Frenzy. 12 down, 88 to go. I'm still on track with it, but I don't know if I'll see the script through to the end of the month. With work, I probably won't have the time. And I won't consider making time. It seems like a dumb idea now.
I guess I'll take the easy way out and blame this whole bad mood on one of the movies I watched today. It was called Jake's Women, starring Alan Alda. It's about a writer who can't let go of storylines in his head and kind of checks out of life because of it... it's exactly what I described in a post the other day about the writer's curse. The movie spoke to me, but, as always, it was about a successful writer, so in many ways I still had trouble relating with the character. And he had actual real-life relationships to check out of. Me? Not so much.
Don't get me wrong though. I started out writing this post distraught and thoroughly giving up. Now that I see it written out, I have a better understanding of just what I need to do in order to turn out something good in this life... and it's gonna take more than I think I can handle, but why not try? I hate failure, but at it's something I'm used to. :)