Bummed Beyond Belief

I just turned down an offer to move into an awesome apt. in NYC. It was the right size, the right location--even the right price. But $3000 up front for rent and other costs? If it's like that all over the city (which I was informed that it was) then I am screwed and a half. Sounds pretty much like my life anyway.

Even getting a job other than freelancing will not get me where I want to go by August. But I don't want to give up. Not yet. I can't. If I give up on this then I know I'll never be able to make any other wish come true. So I'm stuck and I don't know what to do. I needed a good cry (currently taking place) but I don't want to have to feel sorry for myself. I just want to get something that I want for once. Everyone else gets what they want... But I've been informed that I dream too big. For me, my dreams should only include a decent wage at a factory, living next to corn fields the rest of my life. But I thought I could have something better than that. I can't. Obviously I don't deserve as much as I think that I do. I can't be a writer. I don't have the talent, the time, or the effort to really put into it.

So I guess my parents were right. I wasted their money to go to school. I have a degree and I still can't get a job. I'll never hear the end of it. I see it in their eyes everyday when they walk into the room. I'm a biggest disappointment in their lives. And for that, I'm sorry.

All this... just because I don't have enough money to move. I hate life.