Monday, June 16, 2008

Bummed Beyond Belief

I just turned down an offer to move into an awesome apt. in NYC. It was the right size, the right location--even the right price. But $3000 up front for rent and other costs? If it's like that all over the city (which I was informed that it was) then I am screwed and a half. Sounds pretty much like my life anyway.

Even getting a job other than freelancing will not get me where I want to go by August. But I don't want to give up. Not yet. I can't. If I give up on this then I know I'll never be able to make any other wish come true. So I'm stuck and I don't know what to do. I needed a good cry (currently taking place) but I don't want to have to feel sorry for myself. I just want to get something that I want for once. Everyone else gets what they want... But I've been informed that I dream too big. For me, my dreams should only include a decent wage at a factory, living next to corn fields the rest of my life. But I thought I could have something better than that. I can't. Obviously I don't deserve as much as I think that I do. I can't be a writer. I don't have the talent, the time, or the effort to really put into it.

So I guess my parents were right. I wasted their money to go to school. I have a degree and I still can't get a job. I'll never hear the end of it. I see it in their eyes everyday when they walk into the room. I'm a biggest disappointment in their lives. And for that, I'm sorry.

All this... just because I don't have enough money to move. I hate life.


TeTeT said...

life is just around the corner waiting for you to discover. don't lose hope. there may be clouds covering the sun for you now, but there is always "that" silver lining that gives you hope.

Terri said...

Thanks for the pick up. I needed it! I do feel better today... though not by much.

TeTeT said...

why not do something different? explore other avenues where you can maximize you talent and skills. I am in the process of transitioning from the medical field to IT stuff... you might be surprised at the new things you can and will discover.