Setting the Words Free

I think by now most of my readers, friends and family know that I would like nothing more than to move to New York. That's where all the actual jobs are that I know I could do (and those that, you know, actually require someone with my type of degree), and that's where I'm convinced my creativity will flourish. It hasn't happened yet, but one day, right?

About three years ago I wrote this essay with all of the thoughts I had about why I wanted to move there and why it is such a non-negotiable for me (there's my self-help vocabulary getting put to good use!). For some reason, I've kept this hidden away with more protection than I have ever kept a piece of writing. Although all of these thoughts are things I would love to shout to the world, this felt like a very vulnerable piece to put out. The picture that keeps coming back in my head is the image of a teacher swiping a note from a student and threatening to read it out loud. Not that something like that ever happened to me... Okay, maybe once. But the teacher would have been wrong. The subject of the note was the boy that my friend liked, not me. Anyway...

So here's the essay in all of its glory. I put it on Biosgraphy first because it seemed like the right type of atmosphere for it. That, and it is a smaller community of writers to test it out first. But now I'm ready to let the world see it. It's not spectacular by any means, but it is how I feel. And yes, it is a bit dated. Example: I do know that the Chelsea Hotel is closed now.

I'm doing my best to maintain my personal relationships with people in spite of the fact that they don't think I can make it--or ever should. Since most of the support for this dream comes from my online friends and complete strangers, it's only fair to provide you all the reasons why I dream the way I do. So there it is.

**The Biosgraphy website is finicky at best, so if you aren't able to see it after a few refreshes, let me know and I'll post it here.

Dream On

The week between Christmas and New Year's is usually where we all make a giant list of resolutions we'll never complete, right? I'm not doing that this year. Although goals are helpful, they don't need to start on January 1. I don't want to enter 2015 totally lost, so I did come up with a way to get motivated without getting caught up in making it into a traditional resolution.

Dream Board -- on the phone so I'll never be without it.

This is my dream board. A lot of people make these just to have a focal point to renew and re-energize themselves in that moment, that day or their whole purpose for life. Mine serves as a way to point me in the general direction I need to go to get where I want to be in 2015. I would like to note that these photos represent very broad ideas. For example, I have absolutely no reason to believe I will ever in my life win an Academy Award, but I do think that I can strive for more recognition for the hard work I do and create better work that is worthy of recognition.

This board will put everything back into focus. I don't want to write that $8 blog post because I think I'm worth more than that? Look at the board. I get frustrated because book sales are in a slump? Look at the board. I get angry because I need help and can't find the courage to ask for it? Look at the board. If it works well, I should be posting photos of my new city, my new job and anything else good that comes my way soon. Hope is not dead over here.

Dreams. They can come true.

A New Month, A New Set of Goals

So... about last week. It kind of sucked. More than that--it really sucked. I'll spare everyone the details, because whining does no good. So I'll just sum it up like this: I started off the week with small glimmers of hope, they were crush into oblivion, I nearly got scammed (which makes me want to never use Guru again) and to top it off, I was barefoot and stepped on a cricket. Again. Yuck... And since crickets in the house are supposed to be lucky, I think stepping on that sucker is probably like breaking a mirror.

Fortunately, there was a good part about the week. There was a good amount of work, and I was able to do more in a week than I've been able to do for most of the summer. Will it help in the long run? Maybe not, but it's always a start. And since this is the first day of a new month, I'm shifting all of those very lofty August goals into September goals. There will be much writing, revising--and if all goes well--moving.

Here's to a great September!

Still Chugging Along...

My head is filled with plans and plots and dreams and inspiration. Some have even ended up on paper. It's a writer's curse, but it's still lovely.

I'm at one of those points where I just have to stick with a project and see it to the end, rather than trying to manage two, three or more. Today I'm choosing one project to finish the first draft and one project to finish revisions. That's it--no more until they are done.

Along with all of my writing, I'm still trying to make my move. Again... there's a lot more planning going on than action. While I would just love to pack a bag and take off, I'm the type of person that has to consider every single positive and negative outcome imaginable first. This may take awhile... ;-)

All of this stalling can end with taking in a deep breath and making a decision. I will get there... even if I have to reread those self-help books I read a few months ago to get my butt in gear.

In more mundane news, my book auctions on eBay ended today. There was some interest, but no bites so I'll be relisting them tonight. I may also get a few new titles listed, but no promises on that one. If you don't want to wait around for me to list books on eBay, you can always check out what I have on Half.com if you are interested in building up your library as I downsize mine. 

Have a great week! I'm going to make sure mine will be. 

Looking Forward in December

I ended up with an official NaNoWriMo word count total of only 20,740. Not even half way. I don't like excuses, but I had a nasty cold throughout the last ten days of November and could hardly do anything, let alone think coherently about a novel. But that's not stopping me. I'll finish the novel by the end of the year, whether it ends up being 50k or just 40k, as long as I have a complete story to work with during the first round of revisions.

My other goal in December is very vague, but I can take tangible steps to get there. Officially, the goal is called "get to where I want to be" but I know what that means (most days). Usually it involves a change of scenery, a new job and some courage that I haven't yet found (I think the lion from The Wizard of Oz took it all). Right now, there's a really positive attitude going on around here, but an abundance of Christmas candy could be a contributing factor to that. So while I'm still walking around with a smile on my face, I'm taking the month of December to set a few more concrete goals (and enjoy the Christmas season) so that I'm not floating in the wind aimlessly in January.

Completely Indecisive

I've been running through all the choices I have to make for the marketing side of publishing a book. There are way too many decisions I have to make, even after I broke the whole thing down into easy-to-use to-do lists. And it's not just that I have to decide on it all, it's that I have to actually make the decision, but I really can't sometimes. I can't even decide where I want to move to next. You can tell just how indecisive I am when the favorites I've saved on my rent.com account stretches from Nashville to Tempe to Fort Wayne. Not that I have the money to move again, but when I do, I still don't know where I'm heading.

This same indecisiveness is spilling over into my writing.With writing, it's a little easier to take care of because you can just write out a number of different scenarios, but then that also adds to the number of choices you have to make. Actually, it seems like the only decisions I can make right now are for my characters and not for myself. Oh well. At least someone's moving forward while I'm stuck in decision limbo.

Mounting Tension

How I wish the mounting tension I'm talking about was contained in the plots of my stories. No, I'm feeling a lot more pressure these days to leave. Maybe I can't leave to where I want to go, but I need to go somewhere before everything explodes. Of course, I've been in this situation before: not ready to move, but I leave anyway just to appease myself or someone else. I don't want to make that mistake again, but there's really no other choice. I guess I better get my little notebook out and start making some to-do lists to get this ball rolling.

In terms of my fiction, though, tension is something I'm severely lacking. I'm working on three different stories, but two of them aren't going anywhere because I can't seem to find the spot where I can build the most tension. I need to grab my readers. With the stories currently as they are, it wouldn't reach the readers with more than a poke in the arm. Back to the writer's equivalent of the drawing board.

Getting a Hard Shove in the Right Direction

This weekend was another whirlwind. I helped move more things for other people that I didn't even know we all had (cleaning out a garage--not as much fun as it sounds). I did get some pretty good Indian food out of it though. What I really wanted to do this weekend was to dive in my boxes and start getting stuff out to sell. That didn't happen, but I hope get the ball rolling on that one this week.

And that whole "I'm not letting myself get comfortable in the new place" thing? I don't have to worry about that. I'm being reminded, almost hourly, that I need to move and I'm not supposed to be here for more than a couple of months. While my family may think this is their way of finally supporting my decision to leave for New York, it's getting to the point where it's insulting. I don't really need to be reminded that often that I should leave. Trust me, I don't want to be here in the first place.

As for the writing... I did get good news yesterday. One of my short stories will be published over at Luna Station Quarterly in September. It's another step forward on the creative side of the writing, but in terms of the day-today stuff, well, that's it's usual dullness with the occasional hint of frustration.

Maybe I owe this all to the cricket living under my bed right now... they are supposed to be good luck when they enter your home--as long as you don't squish them into oblivion.

A Moving Adventure and a Short Respite

The moving is 95% complete. I still have a few boxes and a bicycle lingering at the old house, but as far as all the big stuff the work is done. Of course, that was no thanks to the U-Haul I rented and never appeared (and still waiting for the $50 compensation that U-Haul promises when equipment rented is not available, but that's another story). It was a whole mess, but as I told my parents, we are from hearty stock so we got the job done despite of that setback.

Now it's the time for big action. I've already made the big decisions, and this time I know not to let anyone talk me out of them. Actually, the people who used to talk me out of them are now being strangely encouraging. Maybe they're tired of me hanging around? Anyway, I'm not letting myself get comfortable in the new place--it's not my home. It's just a temporary stop before I go to New York.

Yes, I'm still on that NYC kick, but it's no longer just a kick. It is turning into a realistic goal. It's more of a need. Imagine the one thing you've wanted since you were five years old. By the time you are an adult, you've either forgotten about it or have already been able to get it. Well, I'm not the type to forget anything and this is my time to get it. That's where I want to live. That's where I want to be creative and jump into everything head-first.

There are still a few problems to iron out, like the fact I don't really have to money to live there if I don't get the job as soon as I hop off the train/plane/bus. I also need to stick around the Midwest a little while longer to purge a good majority of my belongings. Having spent most of my adult life in two bedroom apartments, I've collected a lot of stuff. At the moment, it's taking up too much space in my parents' new home. I don't want to leave them with that mess, but I also know there's too much money in it all to just give it away either. A mix of eBay auctions and garage sales will probably take care of most of it (I hope).

That should get me pretty close to where I want to be. If I'm in New York by Christmas, I'll consider myself a very lucky girl.

A Little Writer Fuel

I'm still busy packing, so there's not much to update on the writing front. I did, however, find an interesting article today on Twitter that you can all peruse in my absence:

The Fuel that Drives Extraordinary Content

Hope you all get some writing done this weekend! 

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Hecticness

It's been crazy around here. I barely packed the clothes in one dresser before I got a sudden spike in work, so there's still quite a lot to do before Friday. Plus, somehow this week also had a few important fiction decisions scheduled, so I tried not to rush through those, but I may have to glance at them again tomorrow to see if I still want them to stick. Rushed writing is a lot like drunk writing--the next morning always reveals the truth.


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To Pack or Not to Pack

Although the daily writing assignments have picked up a bit, the packing is slow-going. It's not that I don't have the motivation for it--if it were up to me, I would be living out of a suitcase and have everything else put away. But, I'm restricted in what I can do since my current place of residence is up for sale. I have to make sure that it looks good, which translates to not having boxes laying around all over the floor. So I've changed my attitude a bit. I'm focusing 110% on work for the next 10 days, then the two days after that will be devoted to whirlwind packing and moving. Hopefully, it all comes together.

It's also an exciting time, because at the end of every month I pick two new publications to submit my work. It's getting close to that time, so I'm dragging out the external hard drive and sifting through work that fits particular publications, or vice versa, depending on the mood I'm in tomorrow. However, my personal opinion is that it's easier to choose a piece for a publication than a publication for a piece. They are a lot more specific in what they look for than I am in what I write.

Neurotically Scheduling Again

Well, it's that time--I'm moving (again). Technically, my parents are moving and dragging me along with them since I'm still not at a place where I can go exactly where I want to go. I think the total of moves in the past ten years now adds up to 13, when we move in a couple weeks. This time, moving isn't such a big deal. Ninety percent of my belongings are still in boxes from the last move, so it's really only a matter of hauling the computer and my clothes down a few blocks to the new place. That's when the fun really begins. I'm planning on unpacking everything and selling it all to raise money for my own move. At garage sale prices, I know it won't be enough, but it will at least be a start.

The whole chaos of a move means I have to very careful about my schedule and very diligent about getting the things done that I need to get done. I can't let people distract me, especially since this last week was not a good week to be a freelance writer. Articles were slim to nil, and so far today the trend is staying that way. I'm keeping busy with a number of job proposals and other non-paying work, but it stills nags at the back of my mind when work disappears like this. You would think I would be used to it by now. I hope it isn't like my Twitter comment yesterday--the harder I work, the more it seems that my goals are moving away from my grasp. You know... the whole carrot/stick image. It's Monday so I'm still working with a positive attitude, but it's going to be a daunting task just to keep that one up throughout the week.

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Weekend Recovery

If I had a job that required a good amount of manual labor, I guess I could whine about sore muscles from helping my brother move this weekend. Since there's no pain when I'm sitting on my butt typing, I have no room to complain. But my brother is on notice--he will be helping me move, if I don't decide to just sell all my stuff, pack up what fits in my car and just float with the breeze.

Even though I knew I would help, I didn't do a whole lot to plan ahead with my work schedule. I assumed (incorrectly) that I would be able to get it all done on Sunday. Now I'm laughing out loud. I was lucky to get out of bed before noon yesterday. I love making my own schedule, but overestimating my enthusiasm to work on the weekends is something I really need to address. There's no rest for the writer.

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